The Elephant in the room .

Its been a while since I first and last updated my blog. So I thank you for your patience.

Whilst writing about the miscarriage and life soon after had helped me somewhat, I am by no means "over it".
Friends and family have had babies and made announcements that make my heart ( and body) still yearn for one more baby.  I still feel that there is someone missing from our family .

For a short time it became the "elephant in the room" between my husband and I.  If we didn't discuss "it", then he wouldn't say No and I wouldn't get upset and we wouldn't have an awkward silence and distance between us.  So,  it was not discussed . but frustrated with this I wanted to be able to talk to the one person who had been through this with me ,the one person I loved more than anything (aside from my children obviously) the one person I felt comfortable expressing my emotions to ,without feeling judged. So I plucked up the balls to just come out with it.   Hubby's response is the same. NO.
and my reaction to his response is the same . Tears, sadness, disappointment , resentment. I don't want to feel like this  towards him or about him, and most of the time I don't. - I love him with a deep, deep passion he is my best friend , my soul mate, my rock my everything.
We agree on most things and  with regards to parenting we are on the same page.
 But this is one thing we don't agree on and can not find a middle ground, a compromise a halfway point- there isn't one. So ,for the most part it's  best if its kept as "the elephant in the room".

A bumpy journey.

Ok,  here we go , I've finally decided ( after much deliberation),  to blog .
I' ll be honest and admit that I have practically no clue what I am  doing ! It's true  I'm a blogging virgin !
I have no idea where or how to begin - should I introduce my self , give a little background info ?
How much or how little do I reveal and explain?
WHY BLOG?
I believe blogging will help me to organise my thoughts,  its a personal journey that I can document and a safe place to "off load" some of my thoughts and feelings without fear of being judged.  Since the moment  I awake- my mind goes into overdrive .  I find it difficult to " switch off " and unfortunately for me, after a struggle to initially get to-sleep , this usually happens in the middle of the night  leaving me  feeling somewhat tired the following morning !
What Keeps me awake ? What do I think about ?  ....
Life, life keeps me awake ! The Past , Present and Future of my very own life .
THE PAST.
This one is probably the main category for my sleepless nights.
Life events like : my brothers sudden death , the heartache of finding him, trying to resuscitate him, accepting  he was forever gone, grieving whilst coming to the end of my third pregnancy , feeling bitter sweet welcoming my new baby boy into the world but feeling heartache that my brother was not around to meet his new nephew. 
Dealing with the loss of a sibling is indescribable ..Watching my mother grieve for her 21 year old baby boy and my youngest brother for his best friend simply heartbreaking.  
In 2011 my husband and  our 3 boys migrated to Australia from Southern Ireland. 
Shortly after arriving ,and dealing with the upheaval of of the big move, my husband suggested we try for number 4 - delighted I agreed but thought we' d wait until we were more settled. 
 After  approximately 6-8 months  of ttc, monitoring my temp and ov days I fell pregnant.  

Prior to conceiving I'd been having some abdominal pains (NOT PREGNANCY RELATED) so went for an ultra sound- the sonographer asked how many weeks along I was “7” I replied- How sure are you about your dates she asked -POSITIVE I replied. 

With that I was told the results would be with my doctor that afternoon, I would receive a phone call. I felt numb – I hadn't seen the screen, received a picture or heard a heartbeat-  I knew.

 I scrambled to the car in a daze and rang my husband.  He was over an hour’s drive away- "they said the baby measured 6 weeks rather than 7", I uttered, he rushed home .

The doctor called  later that afternoon and confirmed there was no heart beat , I would more than likely miscarry within the next few days.

2 days later I started cramping and bled heavily. 

I SCREAMED for my husband when I went to the toilet, when I saw a mass of tissue and clots. He cleaned me up I wept in-between sleeping and slept in-between weeping. You find yourself asking why? Why me? was it something I did or didn't do - was I taking good care of myself, was I being punished , did I deserve it? There were no answers-just pain and emptiness.

After a few weeks of moping and crying (I cried lots), I cancelled play dates and meet ups and just 'avoided 'people . I slowly picked myself up- for the sake of my 3 boys I had to! I had to attend parties and play dates- friends all announcing their due dates etc- it was tough to say the least and despite having  close friends to confide in , I truly believe that unless you have been through it  you have no idea of the impact.

I found the courage to speak to my husband about trying again- NO was his reply-  He didn't think I was well enough (emotionally/mentally?)

I have this nagging ,longing feeling that I can NOT shift- I just want to hold my baby, I cant do that but I don't feel  like my family is complete  I have room in my heart and life for one more.  I need 5 to become 6 , I long for a sibling for our youngest , I really want another baby.
My argument is rubbish in comparison I just come across all selfish about how I feel , what I want and need. But then I feel so damn mad at him , he wanted this originally- now hes moved the goal posts. There is no  compromise. I feel like I'm not only grieving for the baby I lost but also for the baby I will never have, How do you close that hole in your heart? How do I move forward?

 It seems everything I see on tv is baby related to do with miscarriages , abortions or new arrivals and  so many friends, and relatives have announced their imminent arrivals.

I feel somewhat embarrassed that my husband doesn't  want another child with me- yes we've had some ups and downs  (doesnt everyone)- but were in  a long term loving relationship, I know hes petrified of seeing me potentially go though another miscarriage (I am too) but my clocks a ticking ,it will soon be out of my hands and I will HAVE to accept that my baby rearing days are done. 
So little by little I'm parting with my "baby stuff", I'm  absolutely making the most of having time with my youngest before he starts school next year. And desperately trying to heal with the loss of a very much wanted baby and accept that there are no more.